I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
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i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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