and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
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His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
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I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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