He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
