I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
