In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
