after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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