Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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