So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
