Porn is love you can see.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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