Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
