why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
