Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
