god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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