This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
