I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
im holly from the hills drunk
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Boobs speak an international language.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
