that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
