i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
