I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.