I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.