Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
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CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.