There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
