my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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