if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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