Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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