you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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