Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
