We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
