i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
