She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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