I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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