you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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