I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
don't judge my taste in strippers
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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