I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
