ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
