She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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