if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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