We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
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you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
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so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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