I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
