i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
