Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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