just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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