textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
