My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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