I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
