I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
