they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
