remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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