sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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