this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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