Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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