chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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