i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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