I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
