do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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