WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
